A lie to myself

No hope no disappointment. Not looking forward towards anything no disappointment . It is just as simple as that. I m very well aware of it since long time ago.  Yet, I couldnt stop myself from hoping... i give thousands of excuses to myself to continue to hope and to look forward to certain thing... though again and again it was being smashed into pieces but I picked them up and put them back together. Probably I m just scared to accept the reality the truth. Probably it is never a reciprocal.
good night 

it is still the same...

Almost 9 months have passed... I thought I have let go and accepted whatever it is.. but I didn't. The disappoinment, anger, sadness, regret, urge to seek revenge etc seeped into my mind and heart without me inviting them. But i cannot do anything other than feeling sad--isolate myself--cry--self-psycho myself that all these will be over and one day i can enjoy the company of my soul mate just like others--feel better after few days. It is just a vicious cycle that I m still unable to break. Keep reminding myself that I have my family with me, so i dun have to feel sad at all. Yet, saying good byes is getting harder and harder as time goes by.. I start to hate the word "good bye"...it is just an english word that is meaningless when u said to a stranger, but it is a word which carries pain and tears when you said that to someone u love, whom again and again throughout the years u need to repeat that word to. I dun wish to say good bye anymore... I m tired and fed-up of  it. WHy me and why not others? no answer.
Is time to sleep. Tml wil be another day.

yenny  

future remains a bleak...

 I finished my 2nd posting, paediatrics, not long ago. All went well. I enjoyed first 2 postings. I m currently in my 3rd posting, medical, so far so good...No problem at work so far.. Blessed to have nice colleagues , MOs and Specialists...On the other hand, an important part of my life is still missing...future uncertain.. just keep on praying and hoping.. at times just dunno wat to wish for...
Life moves on.. luckily work keeps me busy all day.

yenny