life...

At times, I wonder.. What is life... How life should be like... What is relationship... How relationship should be like... What is this .. what is that... why this... why that... I have no answer...
You feel extremely fatigue when you feel sad... but you feel energetic when you are happy...
Looking at Bailey & Love and Davidson now , I feel like wanna just go to bed.. In the afternoon, I am happy reading it... life ... life...

yenny

week-end...

The heart hurts again... it just strikes my soul again and again... I don't know what to do. I just let it be and let time be the healer...it works... I don't wish to be reminded of all the harsh facts.. I wish to be told in an optimistic way.. I have been trying to keep my composure for few days and keep myself happy and calm for few days. It feels good. Today in the morning I cycled to xinho for breakfast with KL, came back do my work with the accompany of Kenny G songs, had lunch tapau by jennie, slept off the whole afternoon, went for shopping + dinner with SC...and now at night in my room.. Reality strikes again.. Is it really gonna be like this for the whole solid two years... how do i cope with it... should i act like nothing happen... or just accept it and flow with it... should I just fill in my yearly calendar with only my own plans and activities.. Should i keep myself fully occupied all the time with studies and studies... I hate these feelings..
Having ortho end posting again on Wednesday. Today supposed to read up a bit for surgery presentation but slept off.. till now no progress at all... Shall do some breathing exercise taught by Dr XP.. calm myself down... learn not to be affected by anything and anyone in this world...
Yenny, just concentrate on your studies... don't think about any other thing... tomorrow is another brand new day...

yenny

inspiring lecturer =)

Just came back from a gathering with a nice, helpful and inspiring lecturer, Dr Aye Aye Mint who is leaving us soon.. It was a great and memorable gathering.. thanks Madam for your precious advice and guidance... We will remember it always and be a good doctor =). I must start studying hard and smart already.. cannot waste time anymore... And I must always remember to stand back up after a fall.. regardless how many falls or how frequent it is...
To my darling, be strong and hang on there..rest.. and keep going.. You WILL do well.. I have faith in you and you have faith in yourself too!
Tonight shall continue writing my last case and do my slide presentation if possible..

yenny

reflection...

A thousand thoughts is racing through my mind... mixed feelings take control over the frontal lobes... haih... feel one kind after talking on the phone every night...though is a super short conversation every time.. No one to blame... flow with it.. flow with the time.. flow with the external elements of the world...face it.. bear with it... deal with it... but if no way out, flow with it... it works most of the time..... Time never stops...that's the good part of it.. Good or bad times will be ticking away whether u like it or not...He is busy, stressed up and fell sick already...but no time to get rest... probably that's the tough life awaiting a HO... I m feeling down and lost sometimes ...everything has gone hay wire.. my life is no longer as predictable and stable as last time.... i dunno when will i see him .. i dunno when will i get to talk as in really talk to each other telling him bout my life.. talking nonsense... what to do... HO life is horrible... many changes occur.. still adapting to it.. although i dun like changes. ... but nothing can be done...probably the worst thing is both of us have to struggle with the tough time separately... But I have faith that we will pull through this together...God bless.. lately every night coming back from library i have to psychotherapy myself..." Yenny, stand back up and continue studying.. be strong! Don't let other things pull you down.. Live tomorrow like a brand new day! Just concentrate on your work!"...
Writing my 3rd case.. struggling.. but i will be able to complete it...tml goin peringgit...
Pray for the good health of my dear and his brother.. Life it short, live it meaningfully--a reminder to all...

another day...

Wednesday came to an end... Wednesday.. the weekday that i like the most.. the day which i get to rest in the afternoon, no need to go hospital.. just sit in the sports complex auditorium and listen to slides presentation... today i slept off few times during the session...
Today we had a morning session with Mr Soh.. I enjoyed the class.. Orthopaedics posting is going to end soon...time flies...i look at it zooming past... time is really an amazing entity at times...
After dinner, i went to library... spend the whole night there... heavy rain tonight.. weather is cool... I feel like wanna just walk or cycle or play under the rain.. but couldn't afford to get sick... i love listening to the rain melody...the rain shuts off all the other noises in the surrounding...leaving me and the rain...serene and tranquil...How much i wish i have a car here.. and how much i wish there is a sea nearby with strong waves...i love listening to the sea...the waves...
Nowadays i do not dare to lie down staring at the ceiling and do nothing... I will just try to keep myself occupied most of the time.. thank god that my college library open until 12 midnight.. and recently received a good news that library will be open on saturday 9-12pm...
Feel really tired but force myself to keep moving on..
Shall continue writing the cases and sleep....

yenny

day by day...

Yesterday (14 Dec 2010) was my dearest' 26th birthday...Happy Birthday to you Darling...
However again this year we do not have the opportunity to celebrate it together... probably next year we will... *fingers crossed*..=) Because of the horrendous housemanship, on this day, I do not get to see him.. not even online... could barely chat for 5 minutes...I know he is really tired after work.. this year I do not get to wish him directly...
It has just been 3 days ... I already feel it... the impact... However I keep telling myself every morning.. be strong.. be independent... live today as it is.. it will be a better day... whenever i m tired, i tell myself the same thing again and again and drag myself up and continue my work regardless how the external environment is.. Tonight am supposed to finish writing my case.. but as I was lying on the bed just now after talking on the phone, again the feeling of exhaustion and numbness overwhelmed me.. I can feel my heart pounding... the heart really aches like a crying heart but it just feels so numb... This feeling is so familiar... I know.. I know it will go away after awhile.. with a little determination... It is just like when u were small, u fell down and hurt yourself.. but with a little coaxing from your dear mummy and daddy, u will stand up again...You might fall down again and again.. but with little support u are back standing up...However when we were small or I would say when we were well protected at home, we actually took all these support for granted... A person would truly understand the significance of "moral support" only when we experienced its loss at the time we need it most... To me, the word "moral support" used to be just a nice term for me to write in essays in school... only in recent years.. slowly i really understand how important it is to a person...
I shall continue my cases and sleep...the caffeine keeps me awake but i still feel tired...
Tomorrow will be another hectic day for me and darling..
Enjoy ur work dear...Take care...

yenny

friday night...

Today morning psychiatry case presentation went well.. thanks to Dr R for his guidance and encouragement... MCQ in the afternoon just hope for the best... that's the end of my psychiatry posting...I enjoyed this posting.. came back room... rested awhile... cycled to xinho for dinner with jennie.. then i went to library...i just do not want to stay in room because it makes me sad...forcing myself to just sit and study.. and keep myself occupied with books and nothing else... friday night=library..it is pathetic i know.. but i hope i will be numbed by this routine very soon..reminds me of my manipal time.. I sat there till 11.15pm then i left... i love cycling at night in campus under the moon and stars..with the cold breeze and quiet surroundings... i came back to the room... online... and there ends my day... i wish i have a peaceful sleep tonight...

yenny

to ventilate...

just came back from library... supposed to continue reading psychiatry for tomorrow end posting... but the heart feels so congested til i could hardly breathe.. couldn't be bothered anymore about tomorrow test.. i need to vent it out.. but no souls around... within the four walls...i could only pen it down in words.. and the mind feels so numb.. have been controlling the emotion the whole night..for the past few days.. for the past one week.. it is tiring.. but i have no choice.. i know it is going to be worst if i let the mood "devil" take a roller coaster ride within me.. everyone expects rational.. understanding.. patience.. independence and rational again.. I would say i have become an emotionless person again at this point of time.. But this tough period of time again have forced me to think deeply about many things in my life... issues like what i really want in life..in relationship...certain important decisions in life.. advantages and disadvantages etc again resurfaced...is it a committed stable relationship till death do us apart.. with a sense of security that i m looking for.. ... or freedom.... or just puppy love with just mere promises... .. Again and again i was reminded tat maintaining a relationship is not easy and life is not always going to be how u want it to be... many at times, it will go against u, u need to abide to family members and culture.. at the end of the day I knew many things are out of my control and I have learnt to just be patient and flow with time... let the time take charge.. and pray to god and let nature take its course.. I have slowly surrendered my life to destiny...
Shall continue to read so that wont fail tomorrow...
thanks Jennie for accompanying me whole night in library...

yenny

A New Phase of Life

Hi everyone! i am officially a houseman at Alor Star General Hospital now,and i expect to live 2 years of tough life here before i rejoin MINDEF as a military medical officer. and yenny is in her final year of medical school . Please pray for us and wish us luck! Thank you!

unhappiness

i have never seen a single soul since last night... never step out from my room since last night.. never talk a single word.. slept from 11pm yesterday till 3 pm today. ate 2 pieces of bread and few sips of water.. the amount of stress and work load and loneliness make me feel like not wanting to do anything, just want to hide myself in room and rot.
Heard a phrase from a fren "hidupku tanpa arah tanpa tujuan"....it best describes me.

Y