God's lesson

After about 1 month of blissful life, my life is again being attacked by stressor after stressor. I have no control over it. Today my appeal to AS got rejected. I feel extremely sad, angry, dissapointed, hopeless, and jealous. But I cannot do anything about it. I m alone. What I can do is just trying hard to hold the tears back, along the way from PD to airport in the car, and also during the flight, somehow it still trickled down no matter how hard i tried, luckily they dimmed the light while landing. The news is like stabbing me in the heart. Probably it is all because I put in too too much hope of getting AS hoping to be together with my husband leading a life together at least for one solid year. I always thought at least now after all these years, finally I can have my husband as my main pillar of strength in these 2 tough years. But, it looks like it is not God's plan for us. Probably this is God's punishment for me, to give me a lesson. The more you try to avoid something, the more likely you will get it. It is very true. That's the cruelty of life. I feel totally demotivated, having anhedonia, and all the enthusiasm that i had before I knew the reply , all of a sudden, lost. I don't feel excited to go to work anymore, I don't feel like I want to improve anymore. I just wanna do nothing. All these are bad bad emotions, which I hope with time, it will become better...Again I am reminded not to put too high hope on anything in future. No one could understand my feelings now... 2 years. I hope these 2 years fly away in a blink of an eye. I dunno.. I keep consoling myself saying probably this is the God's best arrangement for me, is it?