Wednesday, 9 January 2013

A better tomorrow ?

For the past 5 days, I was feeling dysthymic most of the time especially when I m alone. At the same time, I keep reminding myself to change and start anew. I have to start now, what had happened in the past is enough. Perhaps is a good change for me.  I deserve to be a happier person even if it is not the perfect life i dreamt of. It would take probably another 10 years for me to lead the life i dreamt of. I will wait patiently till the day comes. At the moment til the Day, I shall not let myself being hurt mentally by anyone anything any decision any action or any words. I shall start learning to love myself more than anything in this world, I shall not get saddened by not-worthy things, I shall not get saddened by other ppl. I shall find ways to make myself happy, I shall no longer need protection nor company. I  will be independent, I can be left alone yet happy. I will not feel sad even if I feel neglected. I wil not get angry or sad even if i do not get the attention and company of my loved one. I will not beg for love & attention & company anymore. What is important now is to love myself and be happy.


Friday, 4 January 2013

In total despair

Today i have to force myself to accept an unwanted news. Although initially i thought I am well prepared and strong enough to accept whatever the outcome, i am absolutely wrong. After the news was broken to me, within minutes the news sank in, shearing my heart, tremendous pain, hopeless, despair, and finally tears just flowed uncontrollably. I cried the whole afternoon hoping i will feel better. Somehow it doesn't seem to help. After hours of locking myself up, I can't find a solution. What I could do is just ACCEPT ACCEPT and ACCEPT... Though this is not the first time but the pain is worse than before. I pray to god, please let this be the last time. Whatever punishment that i deserve, six years is enough i suppose.  I m tired of saying goodbyes. Please let me have a normal family life. Before this i always thought children who are always been pricked since small due to medical illness will be able to tolerate needle pain better and not scared of needle anymore, i was told that it is the opposite, i don't understand why. Now, i know it is absolutely true. No matter how long or how far separation we have experienced before, it only makes me feel scared of the next separation more and more, makes it even more painful, it doesn't make it any easier. I have lost my direction of life after housemanship.


Tuesday, 18 September 2012

well done sis

today finally sis left to UK for master in law... her dream finally comes true after all sacrifices.. so happy for her...
me on the other hand, with low mood with no expectations nothing to look forward to.. coming back home, reluctantly have to continue working tomorrow... dun feel like study alone anymore...
Shall go to bed now and let tomorrow comes and goes.


Friday, 17 August 2012


It has been years since we started to know each other, from a friend, becoming good friend, then my boyfriend, and now my dear hubby... Along the journey slowly i begin to understand what is love... Only the person whom you love unconditionally will be able to make you cry because of them and make you laugh and cheer u up the next second... You will readily forgive and your heart will melt once your loved one hugs and apologizes, no matter how mad u were before this...
Love you hubby..

Monday, 30 July 2012

A lie to myself

No hope no disappointment. Not looking forward towards anything no disappointment . It is just as simple as that. I m very well aware of it since long time ago.  Yet, I couldnt stop myself from hoping... i give thousands of excuses to myself to continue to hope and to look forward to certain thing... though again and again it was being smashed into pieces but I picked them up and put them back together. Probably I m just scared to accept the reality the truth. Probably it is never a reciprocal.
good night 

Sunday, 22 July 2012

it is still the same...

Almost 9 months have passed... I thought I have let go and accepted whatever it is.. but I didn't. The disappoinment, anger, sadness, regret, urge to seek revenge etc seeped into my mind and heart without me inviting them. But i cannot do anything other than feeling sad--isolate myself--cry--self-psycho myself that all these will be over and one day i can enjoy the company of my soul mate just like others--feel better after few days. It is just a vicious cycle that I m still unable to break. Keep reminding myself that I have my family with me, so i dun have to feel sad at all. Yet, saying good byes is getting harder and harder as time goes by.. I start to hate the word "good bye" is just an english word that is meaningless when u said to a stranger, but it is a word which carries pain and tears when you said that to someone u love, whom again and again throughout the years u need to repeat that word to. I dun wish to say good bye anymore... I m tired and fed-up of  it. WHy me and why not others? no answer.
Is time to sleep. Tml wil be another day.


Friday, 20 July 2012

future remains a bleak...

 I finished my 2nd posting, paediatrics, not long ago. All went well. I enjoyed first 2 postings. I m currently in my 3rd posting, medical, so far so good...No problem at work so far.. Blessed to have nice colleagues , MOs and Specialists...On the other hand, an important part of my life is still missing...future uncertain.. just keep on praying and hoping.. at times just dunno wat to wish for...
Life moves on.. luckily work keeps me busy all day.


Sunday, 18 December 2011

life currently...

Life as a HO for the past 1 month plus in surgical department is so far so good, blessed with nice collegues, MOs and specialist. Year 2011 is coming to an end soon, a year that is full of ups and downs, surprises and new encounters, new experiences, and conflicts. Recently, there are a lot of things to worry, hope all these will end together with year 2011.. may god protect me.


Saturday, 5 November 2011

God's lesson

After about 1 month of blissful life, my life is again being attacked by stressor after stressor. I have no control over it. Today my appeal to AS got rejected. I feel extremely sad, angry, dissapointed, hopeless, and jealous. But I cannot do anything about it. I m alone. What I can do is just trying hard to hold the tears back, along the way from PD to airport in the car, and also during the flight, somehow it still trickled down no matter how hard i tried, luckily they dimmed the light while landing. The news is like stabbing me in the heart. Probably it is all because I put in too too much hope of getting AS hoping to be together with my husband leading a life together at least for one solid year. I always thought at least now after all these years, finally I can have my husband as my main pillar of strength in these 2 tough years. But, it looks like it is not God's plan for us. Probably this is God's punishment for me, to give me a lesson. The more you try to avoid something, the more likely you will get it. It is very true. That's the cruelty of life. I feel totally demotivated, having anhedonia, and all the enthusiasm that i had before I knew the reply , all of a sudden, lost. I don't feel excited to go to work anymore, I don't feel like I want to improve anymore. I just wanna do nothing. All these are bad bad emotions, which I hope with time, it will become better...Again I am reminded not to put too high hope on anything in future. No one could understand my feelings now... 2 years. I hope these 2 years fly away in a blink of an eye. I dunno.. I keep consoling myself saying probably this is the God's best arrangement for me, is it?

Wednesday, 21 September 2011


Finally after all the hard work throughout the years, I finally obtained my degree =). Thanks to my mum and dad (who keep praying for my success, asking me not to worry, just do my best..) sister & bro and my great friends who supported me along the way in manipal and melaka.. And lastly but not the least is my darling, without him, I would most probably have given up halfway..He has been with me through thick and thin, listening to me all the time, bearing with my temper tantrum, and trying his best to console and comfort me during those sleepless stressful nights before major exams.. During moments when I could not stand the stress anymore, he would always be there, listening to me crying over the phone...Thank you darling from the bottom of my heart.. I love u..
Now on the way back home for good... final departure from melaka to alorstar... A wonderful ending for the 7 years training...