lost..

COuldn't study..since yesterday couldnt even force myself to finish reading a single question...hate it! just waiting the time to eat and finally chose sleep to forget everything temporatily.. my mind is not at peace, it is in a turmoil ..in a sea of emotion, full of hatred..anger..sadness...get irritated ..towards books.. my room..internet(which is of no use sometimes).... just wanna get out of the room and run run and run elsewhere..but nowhere to go..feel so lost without companion..of course frens have their own priorities.. i want myself back, want to be a person who dun scared of loneliness, a person who dun need other's ppl company, a person who can just spend her time on her own...courage!!

home..my refuge..

As i sit down quietly alone, a lot of things suddenly cross my mind...How my life has changed througout the years.. the most drastic change is from the moment i left home..from then onwards life is no longer as carefree , as happy as i was at home... probably that is the price that i have to pay for growing up becoming an adult.. I always feel i m a very lucky child...i was born in a happy family, having mum and dad who always shower me with unconditional love, a loving sis who wil always give me some inspiring words and pray for me for my exams..and a brother whom in my mind is always a small lil boy.. who wil send me online exclusively handmade bday card which made me laugh when i was gloomy and purposely cycle after school to The Store to buy me a pen when he knew that day was my bday.. and my ah kongs and ah pohs..my kuma, pek les, pek nins, uncles and aunties..who really care for me..who witness my whole growing years...now, though some of them have left us, but the memories of them stil remain vividly in my mind.. Now, away from home, many at times, i feel very much lonely, scared and helpless... i realise the difference not long b4.. i really couldnt accept it the first time i was sick away from home and i have to go to clinic alone, then i have to look for food myself and clear up afterwards .. immediately i thought of many things...if i were at home, mum/dad wil accompany me to clinic..then dad wil buy porridge/bread for me and tell me " if u cant finish it, nvm just leave it there..dun force urself"...stil remember once i had terrible gastric, almost the whole week, whenever i went out to uncle's shop, he wil make horlick for me and cook some soup stuff for me...hope he is in a better world now.. once i was having fever and mum and dad were at work, my uncles and aunties all take turn to see how m i doing , change the ice pack frequently for me making sure that my temp din go up higher...I have never feel scared that time coz i m very sure i wil be alright.. all those remain as memories though...As a person grow up, we are expect to fend for ourselves...u are supposed to learn to do everything urself, solve ur problem urself etc etc etc all by URSELF.. if u can be on URSELF, no one can hurt u....as time moves on, slowly gradually probably i am building up a shell surrounding me so tat i remain unhurt... in a lost recently..hope things wil get better...just wanna go home..

solitude

"The songs of the waves and the hymns of the streams
Are scattered, and the voices of the throngs reduced to silence;
And I can hear naught but the music of Eternity
In exact harmony with the spirit's desires.
I am cloaked in full whiteness;
I am in comfort; I am in peace."
- Khalil Gibran

loneliness

Poems on Loneliness
by Sri Chinmoy
~
Smile my heart smile.
You will see loneliness
Nowhere.
***
Do not blame Heaven
And do not blame earth
For your loneliness.
You are travelling the ways of loneliness
Because your mind has not tried to conquer
The darkness of frustration-frown.
***
A doubting mind
Is forced to live
In the prison of loneliness.
***
When our self-offering
Comes to the fore,
Loneliness Is bound to disappear.
***
My world-oneness-heart
Is a perfect stranger
To loneliness.
***
At times we can feel a sense of loneliness even when we are surrounded by many people. Sri Chinmoy suggests that we feel lonely when use our mind to separate ourselves from other people. It is easy for the mind to be negative and when we are in a negative state of mind our ego comes to the fore, this is when we are likely to feel more lonely. Furthermore loneliness does not help us in any way but only contributes to our unhappiness.
The cure for loneliness is to use the qualities of the heart to stop judging things and to cultivate happiness.