home..my refuge..

As i sit down quietly alone, a lot of things suddenly cross my mind...How my life has changed througout the years.. the most drastic change is from the moment i left home..from then onwards life is no longer as carefree , as happy as i was at home... probably that is the price that i have to pay for growing up becoming an adult.. I always feel i m a very lucky child...i was born in a happy family, having mum and dad who always shower me with unconditional love, a loving sis who wil always give me some inspiring words and pray for me for my exams..and a brother whom in my mind is always a small lil boy.. who wil send me online exclusively handmade bday card which made me laugh when i was gloomy and purposely cycle after school to The Store to buy me a pen when he knew that day was my bday.. and my ah kongs and ah pohs..my kuma, pek les, pek nins, uncles and aunties..who really care for me..who witness my whole growing years...now, though some of them have left us, but the memories of them stil remain vividly in my mind.. Now, away from home, many at times, i feel very much lonely, scared and helpless... i realise the difference not long b4.. i really couldnt accept it the first time i was sick away from home and i have to go to clinic alone, then i have to look for food myself and clear up afterwards .. immediately i thought of many things...if i were at home, mum/dad wil accompany me to clinic..then dad wil buy porridge/bread for me and tell me " if u cant finish it, nvm just leave it there..dun force urself"...stil remember once i had terrible gastric, almost the whole week, whenever i went out to uncle's shop, he wil make horlick for me and cook some soup stuff for me...hope he is in a better world now.. once i was having fever and mum and dad were at work, my uncles and aunties all take turn to see how m i doing , change the ice pack frequently for me making sure that my temp din go up higher...I have never feel scared that time coz i m very sure i wil be alright.. all those remain as memories though...As a person grow up, we are expect to fend for ourselves...u are supposed to learn to do everything urself, solve ur problem urself etc etc etc all by URSELF.. if u can be on URSELF, no one can hurt u....as time moves on, slowly gradually probably i am building up a shell surrounding me so tat i remain unhurt... in a lost recently..hope things wil get better...just wanna go home..