misery

haven left the room for the past 7 hours... it is all because of the stupid exams after exams...stress is building up in me tremendously..i could just cry silently... it just reminds me of manipal again... the many consecutive nights.. when uni exams were approaching.. for months...everynight when coming back from library around 11.30.. walking up the stairs alone in indira hostel.. my mind during those moments are just so fatigue ..and blank...a lil more stimulus the tears would just flow...but i dun care coz normally during those hours, only the local indians wil be studying along the corridors... but thinking back, i am glad i survived thru the 2 major uni exams there though with bad results..i dun care anymore... another 2 pending here... now is the 3rd one which is eating me up slowly and silently... sometimes ppl wil jsut tell u try ur best do ur best.. but noone ever wil sit down with u and guide u 24 hrs til the day of exam.. i know this is impossible ..it is all just dreams ..coz everyone expect u to be independent at this age.. blame the age!.. how i wish i m stil back in school having tuition teachers tell u to do this do that..u jsut need to follow..watever doubt they give u answer..they tell u how to study etc etc.. anyway again it is all in dream and fantasy world... i jsut hate being a grown-up! i just hate exams! the hatred is so much so that i dun even care whether i wil be a safe doc anymore.. !!!!!!!!!!!!!! i just want to pass exam and escape from this HELLL. next mon surgery block test, wed endposting exam which i really wish to have the feeling of " i will only do wat i know, u want to shout at me, embarass me.. fail me , jsut do it, i dun care " i dun mind being shouted in wards with millions of eyes looking at me.. etc etc...but i just dun want to fail p2s1..p2s1 has become like the reason why i live at the moment..it is just so pathetic.. but the consequences of dropping batch is full of agony.... after ranting.. routines continue til i m torn apart...tonight have to continue reading again.. thanks SC for bringing me out from my room for dinner later..