For the past 5 days, I was feeling dysthymic most of the time especially when I m alone. At the same time, I keep reminding myself to change and start anew. I have to start now, what had happened in the past is enough. Perhaps is a good change for me. I deserve to be a happier person even if it is not the perfect life i dreamt of. It would take probably another 10 years for me to lead the life i dreamt of. I will wait patiently till the day comes. At the moment til the Day, I shall not let myself being hurt mentally by anyone anything any decision any action or any words. I shall start learning to love myself more than anything in this world, I shall not get saddened by not-worthy things, I shall not get saddened by other ppl. I shall find ways to make myself happy, I shall no longer need protection nor company. I will be independent, I can be left alone yet happy. I will not feel sad even if I feel neglected. I wil not get angry or sad even if i do not get the attention and company of my loved one. I will not beg for love & attention & company anymore. What is important now is to love myself and be happy.
yenny
Wednesday, 9 January 2013
Friday, 4 January 2013
In total despair
Today i have to force myself to accept an unwanted news. Although initially i thought I am well prepared and strong enough to accept whatever the outcome, i am absolutely wrong. After the news was broken to me, within minutes the news sank in, shearing my heart, tremendous pain, hopeless, despair, and finally tears just flowed uncontrollably. I cried the whole afternoon hoping i will feel better. Somehow it doesn't seem to help. After hours of locking myself up, I can't find a solution. What I could do is just ACCEPT ACCEPT and ACCEPT... Though this is not the first time but the pain is worse than before. I pray to god, please let this be the last time. Whatever punishment that i deserve, six years is enough i suppose. I m tired of saying goodbyes. Please let me have a normal family life. Before this i always thought children who are always been pricked since small due to medical illness will be able to tolerate needle pain better and not scared of needle anymore, i was told that it is the opposite, i don't understand why. Now, i know it is absolutely true. No matter how long or how far separation we have experienced before, it only makes me feel scared of the next separation more and more, makes it even more painful, it doesn't make it any easier. I have lost my direction of life after housemanship.
yenny
yenny
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