In total despair

Today i have to force myself to accept an unwanted news. Although initially i thought I am well prepared and strong enough to accept whatever the outcome, i am absolutely wrong. After the news was broken to me, within minutes the news sank in, shearing my heart, tremendous pain, hopeless, despair, and finally tears just flowed uncontrollably. I cried the whole afternoon hoping i will feel better. Somehow it doesn't seem to help. After hours of locking myself up, I can't find a solution. What I could do is just ACCEPT ACCEPT and ACCEPT... Though this is not the first time but the pain is worse than before. I pray to god, please let this be the last time. Whatever punishment that i deserve, six years is enough i suppose.  I m tired of saying goodbyes. Please let me have a normal family life. Before this i always thought children who are always been pricked since small due to medical illness will be able to tolerate needle pain better and not scared of needle anymore, i was told that it is the opposite, i don't understand why. Now, i know it is absolutely true. No matter how long or how far separation we have experienced before, it only makes me feel scared of the next separation more and more, makes it even more painful, it doesn't make it any easier. I have lost my direction of life after housemanship.

yenny