life currently...

Life as a HO for the past 1 month plus in surgical department is so far so good, blessed with nice collegues, MOs and specialist. Year 2011 is coming to an end soon, a year that is full of ups and downs, surprises and new encounters, new experiences, and conflicts. Recently, there are a lot of things to worry, hope all these will end together with year 2011.. may god protect me.

yenny

God's lesson

After about 1 month of blissful life, my life is again being attacked by stressor after stressor. I have no control over it. Today my appeal to AS got rejected. I feel extremely sad, angry, dissapointed, hopeless, and jealous. But I cannot do anything about it. I m alone. What I can do is just trying hard to hold the tears back, along the way from PD to airport in the car, and also during the flight, somehow it still trickled down no matter how hard i tried, luckily they dimmed the light while landing. The news is like stabbing me in the heart. Probably it is all because I put in too too much hope of getting AS hoping to be together with my husband leading a life together at least for one solid year. I always thought at least now after all these years, finally I can have my husband as my main pillar of strength in these 2 tough years. But, it looks like it is not God's plan for us. Probably this is God's punishment for me, to give me a lesson. The more you try to avoid something, the more likely you will get it. It is very true. That's the cruelty of life. I feel totally demotivated, having anhedonia, and all the enthusiasm that i had before I knew the reply , all of a sudden, lost. I don't feel excited to go to work anymore, I don't feel like I want to improve anymore. I just wanna do nothing. All these are bad bad emotions, which I hope with time, it will become better...Again I am reminded not to put too high hope on anything in future. No one could understand my feelings now... 2 years. I hope these 2 years fly away in a blink of an eye. I dunno.. I keep consoling myself saying probably this is the God's best arrangement for me, is it?

HOME FOR GOOD =)

Finally after all the hard work throughout the years, I finally obtained my degree =). Thanks to my mum and dad (who keep praying for my success, asking me not to worry, just do my best..) sister & bro and my great friends who supported me along the way in manipal and melaka.. And lastly but not the least is my darling, without him, I would most probably have given up halfway..He has been with me through thick and thin, listening to me all the time, bearing with my temper tantrum, and trying his best to console and comfort me during those sleepless stressful nights before major exams.. During moments when I could not stand the stress anymore, he would always be there, listening to me crying over the phone...Thank you darling from the bottom of my heart.. I love u..
Now on the way back home for good... final departure from melaka to alorstar... A wonderful ending for the 7 years training...

yenny

sunshine again =D

I had a wonderful weekend..thanks to my dear... for the past 24 hours, I am feeling so happy and blessed and loved...
I hope I can see my darling in my dream tonight =) and may god protect and provide me strength to study properly tomorrow..

yenny

beginning of the final lap

today technically begins my last study break after a long 7 years journey .. hopefully this is the last and the final one... It is a mixture of feelings..top of the list is always an uninvited enemy "FEAR" of not be able to reach the finishing line as expected... Time is ticking away.. I pray to god that please protect me from unwanted stressors during this period of time.. please let me study with a peace of mind... please provide me strength to overcome all the negative emotions and not to be affected by anyone anything at all..
Had a great time in the Hall yesterday cheering together with my batchmates, hope ALL of us will reach the finishing line together this time and none being left behind.

yenny

Life is difficult

Things become more and more difficult recently... in all aspects of my life... O God, assist me.. I just tell myself to be patient and be strong and remind myself to be happy.. All will become better someday or probably I will be forced to become stronger and colder or in a nicer term "independent" a word which i hated all the while..
Sometimes I wonder, do I really demand so much? I keep asking myself that question.. i think I m not.. All the while I just want company, time, love, care and concern... is it too much to ask for? Probably all is not possible now... which makes me sad most of the time...I know I shouldn't be sad, I should change my thinking bla bla bla.. easier said than done.. I hope I can but I couldn't.. Life goes on...
By writing it down makes me feel better somehow...
I think I shall just go to the Hall and sit there watching the world around me.

yenny

Be Strong

Friday night... supposed to be a time for rest.. but it is not possible with p2s2 in 2 months time.. It seems like just yesterday that I was preparing for p2s1..Time flies... But I just could not fight with the tiredness and end up sleeping for long hours... Just feel so lethargic.. dunno why..
I wish you could be here to accompany me through this horrendous p2s2.. I remember during my study break last year, you would bring me for movies, or play games, or sing karaoke, or eat McD/mamak etc when u realised i was stressed out... All are wonderful memories.. I know is not possible this year... I have to be strong and strive on. Oh God, provide me strength and protect me. Keep me well...

yenny

again and again

Oh God, please guide and teach me what to do... I feel like I am facing a dead end.. I have tried but thing doesn't seem to work... I feel sad, irritable, angry, disappointed and have poor concentration. I wanted to just go to sleep.. I need to talk..

yenny

Hope for a brighter day.

It hurts me as much as it hurts him...the pain is so much more deeper than I thought I would feel.. .. I wish I made the right decision. I just don't wish things keep going downhill.. I hope a short break is good for each other to reflect and hopefully to improve...

yenny

emotionally affected...

Woke up late today... went for breakfast with my good friend... came back room... stumbled upon this video and hence decided to rewatch it on a saturday morning... Eventually the tears just flow uncontrollably...I do not know what has triggered it...or I should say probably I know...
Today there is a long list of tasks which I am supposed to complete.. all by myself alone in my room.. But I might just sleep off... It takes a great strength and determination. I wish I have it today.
Be strong yenny!

yenny

=(

Things have not been going well lately.. It has been a tough hard time for me (probably for him too) in the last few months.. But nothing can be done about it except accepting it and get used to it..I feel stressed noone to talk to, I feel lonely, I feel sad, I shed tears, I tell myself dun jealous of other ppl, dun look at other ppl, I psycho myself dun feel sad, be strong and things will be better.. again and again the cycles continue.. But till when? i do not know, only god knows. I will go to sleep tonight and tomorrow will be another day.. Wanna find a hide-out place tml to spend my day in silence. Long distance relationship with busy schedule is not a bed of roses.

yenny

weekend blues

Has been quite long since i last blogged.. I try to refrain myself from complaining... so whenever i feel stressed, sad and down, I just try to pull myself up again and again and put up a tough front in front of ppl.. but this time I tried but i failed. I need to express it out. Being alone in room during weekend makes things worse. I choose to sleep 16hrs per day. I dun feel happy I feel very stressed I feel terrible I feel I m all alone. 5 more months, the stress is killing me. People around me even my loved ones will just say, you are chronic, find your own way to solve the problem, noone can help u, accept ur condition now, nothing can be changed.

Recently a professor of mine Prof C said , the most stressful exam in his medical life is MBBS even though since then he has been taking lots of postgraduate exams but all those dun really matter.. because without that MBBS, all ur years of hard work & precious time boils down to NOTHING...u will just be a SPM graduate.. On the other hand, even if u fail ur MRCP or Master.. so wat? u are still a DOCTOR, you will still have a stable job and comfortable salary.

I am telling myself repeatedly again and again, practically every morning before i leave to class.. to just study myself, regardless whether how pathetic i m, how lonely i feel, how stressful i feel... I just need to wipe off the tears, remind myself of happy moments in my life.. and move on continue to study... it is definitely easier to say than do. I wish I m cold blooded like I used to be during school time..those time emotions can never affect me.

Sunday night... I wish tml is still a sunday... so that i can rest for one more day.. i still feel extremely tired...

May God hear my sorrow and guide and protect me...

Yenny

final semester...

In lcct now.. waiting to go back to melaka for the commencement of my final semester of MBBS... hopefully I will pass in first attempt itself.. study hard and pray hard yenny! dun ever give up! In these coming few months time, there will definitely be enormous stress but hang on... everything gonna be fine.. just try your best.. believe in prayers, think positively ... ur loved ones will always be there for u... i had a wonderful holiday for the past 1 week... I miss home, pa & mummy, bro, sis and of course my dear... As for now.. I m happy that we already have a rough plan.. and we will together make our dream come true kie dear .. love u sooo much!

yenny

Happy Chinese New Year!

Wishing everyone a wonderful year ahead!!

Shao En & Yenny

"You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have."

Pictures that I come across on a dull saturday...

Serenity...

"Never search your happiness in others, it'll make you feel alone. But search it in yourself, you'll feel happy even if you're alone."

life...

Only two miracles are worth seeing:
The miracle of loving
And
The miracle of forgiving.

~Sri Chinmoy~

The Ship of Life

The ship of life
Across the shore awaits a boat

Though sea's are rough, its still
afloat

Raise the sails, held up by mast
Forget the troubles of distant
past

As wave crash down upon the deck
Steady the boat; not quite a
wreak

Tend the mast, and fix the scrach
light the lantern with one last
match

The storm will end, pull anchor
and rope.

look up to see the stars of hope.

Jessica M. Balcom

Patience

"Patience, a virtue, is the capacity of enduring hardship or inconvenience emphasizes calmness, self-control, and the willingness or ability to tolerate delay. Its opposite is weakness. Let your sense of humor give you balance, perspective, poise and patience. Patience, together with Peace and Love, forms the Trinity of Compassion."

Prayers...

The Serenity Prayer

God grant me the Serenity
to accept the things
I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
And Wisdom to know the difference.

HOPE

Never Let Go Of Hope

One day you will see that it all has finally come together.

What you have always wished for has finally come to be.

You will look back and laugh at what has passed and you will ask yourself,
"How did I get through all of that?"

Just never let go of hope.

Just never quit dreaming.

And never let love depart from your life.

~ Jancarl Campi ~

Such poem holds me back whenever I feel like giving up...

HEART

...It is hard to numb the heart, it needs thousands of slashes... but it is going to be even harder to resensitize it back... that's when real disaster begins...

I feel like I want to just get back below the blanket =(

-yenny-

Happy New Year

Had been sick for few days... Spent the new year eve in friend's house watching movies together with a bunch of gal-friends...the next morning, went to have a walk in a park and spend sometime at the playground.. then the rest of the day and today, I just stayed in my room watching movies, listening to songs, onlining and sleeping.. However this morning enjoyed a performance by Tzu Chi organization in MITC... tomorrow gonna go to Muar again...
My New Year Wishes : Pass P2S1 and go home, families & friends in good health, darling less busy and happy always, and last but not least, I hope I will be posted to AS Gh and we have chance to at least experience daily life together and not to be separated anymore. May God provide me strength to face the challenging months to come...

yenny