first day A&E

Today everything was ok.. MO, HO, nurses and MA all are nice....although have to stand from morning till night, but I rather enjoy it... would be better if after coming back get to go sleep straight.. too bad now need to prepare the slides for common programme..anyway just do it =)... i dun feel irritated or upset today.. hope i maintain this emotion for long... tomorrow 6am gonna get up and go muar again... I should start doin my slides rather than blogging...huh

yenny

back to reality...

At the very last minute, I decided to go to Spore to spend my weekend with my siblings, cousins, niece and nephews..on the day itself I bought the tic and i left.. I just want to leave this place.. get away for sometime...to clear up my mind and lighten the heart.. I don't wish to spend this Christmas alone.. it is pathetic.. on the other hand I don't want to lose this opportunity to spend time together with my family members.. I would have slept through my weekend if i were to stay in hostel feeling sad, angry, upset, bored, hopeless, demotivated... I am glad that I made the decision to leave this place. I had an enjoyable and meaningful time in Spore... I feel like I am at home, being showered with love and care.. Most of the time, we were just spending time sitting together, eating, walking at the market, chatting, laughing, playing video games with the kids, went flying kites, picniking, playing cards, dancing... I love such family outings.. I would say my cousins and cousin-in-laws are really good in parenting...I really salute them.. I learn a lot by just observing.. I wish I could be like them.. they really put in all the efforts and together they try to bring up their children in the best way possible.. they try to provide the children a loving home and all the care and love.. despite their busy corporate schedule, they will try to spend quality time talking and listening to the child, bringing them out for outing , fly kites together with them etc etc.. On the other hand, they as parents set good example to the kids... Despite years of marriage, they are still as loving as newly-weds...Seeing this at least gives me some hope.. that all this is not impossible.. I keep telling myself one day all this is possible... I feel happy for the last 2 days... Keep telling myself to maintain that spirit... But I really can't help it.. every night after talking on the phone for a while.. and once i sit alone quietly in room, again I feel sad.. Anyone can tell me what can I do to keep myself happy and motivated? except from running away from reality... I can't avoid reality for long... Probably for the next 3 weeks of A&E posting, from 8am to 9 pm everyday, I would be too tired to sit alone.. probably is a good idea to come back to campus everyday, reach here by 10 something.. bath.. and sleep and next morning 7 am leave to muar again... Tired... haven read anything... clear up the mind and just concentrate on my books...

yenny

=(

slept whole afternoon.. 30 mins nap become 3 hours.. with bad unhappy dreams.. haih.. yet now feel so tired...so much work to do.. but don't feel like doing anything.. Christmas is around the corner.. but i don't feel the joyful atmosphere at all...
This morning while in OT, suddenly it stroke my mind that I must study hard from now in order to pass final exam in order for me to lead the life i want, not like now.. At that moment I am very energetic and told myself that must must study hard. But after coming back to room after lunch, I just feel so tired and just wanna sleep.. then upon awakening, staring at the ceiling.. confused whether what time of the day it is but i just couldn't be bothered.. forced myself to get up and do something meaningful... Here I am.. feel so not motivated and sien..Irony of life.. at one moment feel so motivated, the next feel so demotivated..
tonight have to force myself to read and prepare the slides..

yenny

acceptance...

I am still not be able to let go... let go of the desire for each other's company...the wish to be with each other at least after work... i thought i have managed to accept it and adapt to it well.. but i know i am wrong.. Once I m back to my room alone from library at night, i will be reminded of all the unhappy thoughts which i hate it soooo much.. five solid years.. every year uni exam is not just an exam for me, it is more than that...A pass is in exchange with a few days of happy memories.. even this final uni exam is no exception... unless I pass I wont be able to apply back to work and we still wont be able to spend much time together... things will still be the same. we will still be separated apart communicating through the stupid gaggets within the limited time that we have. I really hate this so much.. probably that's why i hate exams so much, it seems to be dictating my life my relationship etc etc....haih.. shall bear with it for another 9 months... I don't want to care anymore already.. tired of having exams controlling my life...
Tonight slept off few times in library although after consuming a huge cup of caffeine... should be studying for surgery presentation but poor progress.. This morning ortho clinical end posting doesn't seem to go well.. anyway hope for the best..
This Christmas weekend will most probably rotting in hostel... hibernating... I realise that recently I do start to enjoy being alone resting in room. Going to sleep soon...
Tomorrow is another brand new day.

yenny

keep going....

Tomorrow having slides presentation... i hope will be okie.. just more anxious for wednesday clinical end posting.. Keep telling myself "be strong and keep striving on..."
Dunno what to read for wednesday long case... can't really concentrate but keep trying.. so now just keep reading...nitez....

yenny

life...

At times, I wonder.. What is life... How life should be like... What is relationship... How relationship should be like... What is this .. what is that... why this... why that... I have no answer...
You feel extremely fatigue when you feel sad... but you feel energetic when you are happy...
Looking at Bailey & Love and Davidson now , I feel like wanna just go to bed.. In the afternoon, I am happy reading it... life ... life...

yenny

week-end...

The heart hurts again... it just strikes my soul again and again... I don't know what to do. I just let it be and let time be the healer...it works... I don't wish to be reminded of all the harsh facts.. I wish to be told in an optimistic way.. I have been trying to keep my composure for few days and keep myself happy and calm for few days. It feels good. Today in the morning I cycled to xinho for breakfast with KL, came back do my work with the accompany of Kenny G songs, had lunch tapau by jennie, slept off the whole afternoon, went for shopping + dinner with SC...and now at night in my room.. Reality strikes again.. Is it really gonna be like this for the whole solid two years... how do i cope with it... should i act like nothing happen... or just accept it and flow with it... should I just fill in my yearly calendar with only my own plans and activities.. Should i keep myself fully occupied all the time with studies and studies... I hate these feelings..
Having ortho end posting again on Wednesday. Today supposed to read up a bit for surgery presentation but slept off.. till now no progress at all... Shall do some breathing exercise taught by Dr XP.. calm myself down... learn not to be affected by anything and anyone in this world...
Yenny, just concentrate on your studies... don't think about any other thing... tomorrow is another brand new day...

yenny

inspiring lecturer =)

Just came back from a gathering with a nice, helpful and inspiring lecturer, Dr Aye Aye Mint who is leaving us soon.. It was a great and memorable gathering.. thanks Madam for your precious advice and guidance... We will remember it always and be a good doctor =). I must start studying hard and smart already.. cannot waste time anymore... And I must always remember to stand back up after a fall.. regardless how many falls or how frequent it is...
To my darling, be strong and hang on there..rest.. and keep going.. You WILL do well.. I have faith in you and you have faith in yourself too!
Tonight shall continue writing my last case and do my slide presentation if possible..

yenny

reflection...

A thousand thoughts is racing through my mind... mixed feelings take control over the frontal lobes... haih... feel one kind after talking on the phone every night...though is a super short conversation every time.. No one to blame... flow with it.. flow with the time.. flow with the external elements of the world...face it.. bear with it... deal with it... but if no way out, flow with it... it works most of the time..... Time never stops...that's the good part of it.. Good or bad times will be ticking away whether u like it or not...He is busy, stressed up and fell sick already...but no time to get rest... probably that's the tough life awaiting a HO... I m feeling down and lost sometimes ...everything has gone hay wire.. my life is no longer as predictable and stable as last time.... i dunno when will i see him .. i dunno when will i get to talk as in really talk to each other telling him bout my life.. talking nonsense... what to do... HO life is horrible... many changes occur.. still adapting to it.. although i dun like changes. ... but nothing can be done...probably the worst thing is both of us have to struggle with the tough time separately... But I have faith that we will pull through this together...God bless.. lately every night coming back from library i have to psychotherapy myself..." Yenny, stand back up and continue studying.. be strong! Don't let other things pull you down.. Live tomorrow like a brand new day! Just concentrate on your work!"...
Writing my 3rd case.. struggling.. but i will be able to complete it...tml goin peringgit...
Pray for the good health of my dear and his brother.. Life it short, live it meaningfully--a reminder to all...

another day...

Wednesday came to an end... Wednesday.. the weekday that i like the most.. the day which i get to rest in the afternoon, no need to go hospital.. just sit in the sports complex auditorium and listen to slides presentation... today i slept off few times during the session...
Today we had a morning session with Mr Soh.. I enjoyed the class.. Orthopaedics posting is going to end soon...time flies...i look at it zooming past... time is really an amazing entity at times...
After dinner, i went to library... spend the whole night there... heavy rain tonight.. weather is cool... I feel like wanna just walk or cycle or play under the rain.. but couldn't afford to get sick... i love listening to the rain melody...the rain shuts off all the other noises in the surrounding...leaving me and the rain...serene and tranquil...How much i wish i have a car here.. and how much i wish there is a sea nearby with strong waves...i love listening to the sea...the waves...
Nowadays i do not dare to lie down staring at the ceiling and do nothing... I will just try to keep myself occupied most of the time.. thank god that my college library open until 12 midnight.. and recently received a good news that library will be open on saturday 9-12pm...
Feel really tired but force myself to keep moving on..
Shall continue writing the cases and sleep....

yenny

day by day...

Yesterday (14 Dec 2010) was my dearest' 26th birthday...Happy Birthday to you Darling...
However again this year we do not have the opportunity to celebrate it together... probably next year we will... *fingers crossed*..=) Because of the horrendous housemanship, on this day, I do not get to see him.. not even online... could barely chat for 5 minutes...I know he is really tired after work.. this year I do not get to wish him directly...
It has just been 3 days ... I already feel it... the impact... However I keep telling myself every morning.. be strong.. be independent... live today as it is.. it will be a better day... whenever i m tired, i tell myself the same thing again and again and drag myself up and continue my work regardless how the external environment is.. Tonight am supposed to finish writing my case.. but as I was lying on the bed just now after talking on the phone, again the feeling of exhaustion and numbness overwhelmed me.. I can feel my heart pounding... the heart really aches like a crying heart but it just feels so numb... This feeling is so familiar... I know.. I know it will go away after awhile.. with a little determination... It is just like when u were small, u fell down and hurt yourself.. but with a little coaxing from your dear mummy and daddy, u will stand up again...You might fall down again and again.. but with little support u are back standing up...However when we were small or I would say when we were well protected at home, we actually took all these support for granted... A person would truly understand the significance of "moral support" only when we experienced its loss at the time we need it most... To me, the word "moral support" used to be just a nice term for me to write in essays in school... only in recent years.. slowly i really understand how important it is to a person...
I shall continue my cases and sleep...the caffeine keeps me awake but i still feel tired...
Tomorrow will be another hectic day for me and darling..
Enjoy ur work dear...Take care...

yenny

friday night...

Today morning psychiatry case presentation went well.. thanks to Dr R for his guidance and encouragement... MCQ in the afternoon just hope for the best... that's the end of my psychiatry posting...I enjoyed this posting.. came back room... rested awhile... cycled to xinho for dinner with jennie.. then i went to library...i just do not want to stay in room because it makes me sad...forcing myself to just sit and study.. and keep myself occupied with books and nothing else... friday night=library..it is pathetic i know.. but i hope i will be numbed by this routine very soon..reminds me of my manipal time.. I sat there till 11.15pm then i left... i love cycling at night in campus under the moon and stars..with the cold breeze and quiet surroundings... i came back to the room... online... and there ends my day... i wish i have a peaceful sleep tonight...

yenny

to ventilate...

just came back from library... supposed to continue reading psychiatry for tomorrow end posting... but the heart feels so congested til i could hardly breathe.. couldn't be bothered anymore about tomorrow test.. i need to vent it out.. but no souls around... within the four walls...i could only pen it down in words.. and the mind feels so numb.. have been controlling the emotion the whole night..for the past few days.. for the past one week.. it is tiring.. but i have no choice.. i know it is going to be worst if i let the mood "devil" take a roller coaster ride within me.. everyone expects rational.. understanding.. patience.. independence and rational again.. I would say i have become an emotionless person again at this point of time.. But this tough period of time again have forced me to think deeply about many things in my life... issues like what i really want in life..in relationship...certain important decisions in life.. advantages and disadvantages etc again resurfaced...is it a committed stable relationship till death do us apart.. with a sense of security that i m looking for.. ... or freedom.... or just puppy love with just mere promises... .. Again and again i was reminded tat maintaining a relationship is not easy and life is not always going to be how u want it to be... many at times, it will go against u, u need to abide to family members and culture.. at the end of the day I knew many things are out of my control and I have learnt to just be patient and flow with time... let the time take charge.. and pray to god and let nature take its course.. I have slowly surrendered my life to destiny...
Shall continue to read so that wont fail tomorrow...
thanks Jennie for accompanying me whole night in library...

yenny

A New Phase of Life

Hi everyone! i am officially a houseman at Alor Star General Hospital now,and i expect to live 2 years of tough life here before i rejoin MINDEF as a military medical officer. and yenny is in her final year of medical school . Please pray for us and wish us luck! Thank you!