first day A&E

Today everything was ok.. MO, HO, nurses and MA all are nice....although have to stand from morning till night, but I rather enjoy it... would be better if after coming back get to go sleep straight.. too bad now need to prepare the slides for common programme..anyway just do it =)... i dun feel irritated or upset today.. hope i maintain this emotion for long... tomorrow 6am gonna get up and go muar again... I should start doin my slides rather than blogging...huh

yenny

back to reality...

At the very last minute, I decided to go to Spore to spend my weekend with my siblings, cousins, niece and nephews..on the day itself I bought the tic and i left.. I just want to leave this place.. get away for sometime...to clear up my mind and lighten the heart.. I don't wish to spend this Christmas alone.. it is pathetic.. on the other hand I don't want to lose this opportunity to spend time together with my family members.. I would have slept through my weekend if i were to stay in hostel feeling sad, angry, upset, bored, hopeless, demotivated... I am glad that I made the decision to leave this place. I had an enjoyable and meaningful time in Spore... I feel like I am at home, being showered with love and care.. Most of the time, we were just spending time sitting together, eating, walking at the market, chatting, laughing, playing video games with the kids, went flying kites, picniking, playing cards, dancing... I love such family outings.. I would say my cousins and cousin-in-laws are really good in parenting...I really salute them.. I learn a lot by just observing.. I wish I could be like them.. they really put in all the efforts and together they try to bring up their children in the best way possible.. they try to provide the children a loving home and all the care and love.. despite their busy corporate schedule, they will try to spend quality time talking and listening to the child, bringing them out for outing , fly kites together with them etc etc.. On the other hand, they as parents set good example to the kids... Despite years of marriage, they are still as loving as newly-weds...Seeing this at least gives me some hope.. that all this is not impossible.. I keep telling myself one day all this is possible... I feel happy for the last 2 days... Keep telling myself to maintain that spirit... But I really can't help it.. every night after talking on the phone for a while.. and once i sit alone quietly in room, again I feel sad.. Anyone can tell me what can I do to keep myself happy and motivated? except from running away from reality... I can't avoid reality for long... Probably for the next 3 weeks of A&E posting, from 8am to 9 pm everyday, I would be too tired to sit alone.. probably is a good idea to come back to campus everyday, reach here by 10 something.. bath.. and sleep and next morning 7 am leave to muar again... Tired... haven read anything... clear up the mind and just concentrate on my books...

yenny

=(

slept whole afternoon.. 30 mins nap become 3 hours.. with bad unhappy dreams.. haih.. yet now feel so tired...so much work to do.. but don't feel like doing anything.. Christmas is around the corner.. but i don't feel the joyful atmosphere at all...
This morning while in OT, suddenly it stroke my mind that I must study hard from now in order to pass final exam in order for me to lead the life i want, not like now.. At that moment I am very energetic and told myself that must must study hard. But after coming back to room after lunch, I just feel so tired and just wanna sleep.. then upon awakening, staring at the ceiling.. confused whether what time of the day it is but i just couldn't be bothered.. forced myself to get up and do something meaningful... Here I am.. feel so not motivated and sien..Irony of life.. at one moment feel so motivated, the next feel so demotivated..
tonight have to force myself to read and prepare the slides..

yenny

acceptance...

I am still not be able to let go... let go of the desire for each other's company...the wish to be with each other at least after work... i thought i have managed to accept it and adapt to it well.. but i know i am wrong.. Once I m back to my room alone from library at night, i will be reminded of all the unhappy thoughts which i hate it soooo much.. five solid years.. every year uni exam is not just an exam for me, it is more than that...A pass is in exchange with a few days of happy memories.. even this final uni exam is no exception... unless I pass I wont be able to apply back to work and we still wont be able to spend much time together... things will still be the same. we will still be separated apart communicating through the stupid gaggets within the limited time that we have. I really hate this so much.. probably that's why i hate exams so much, it seems to be dictating my life my relationship etc etc....haih.. shall bear with it for another 9 months... I don't want to care anymore already.. tired of having exams controlling my life...
Tonight slept off few times in library although after consuming a huge cup of caffeine... should be studying for surgery presentation but poor progress.. This morning ortho clinical end posting doesn't seem to go well.. anyway hope for the best..
This Christmas weekend will most probably rotting in hostel... hibernating... I realise that recently I do start to enjoy being alone resting in room. Going to sleep soon...
Tomorrow is another brand new day.

yenny

keep going....

Tomorrow having slides presentation... i hope will be okie.. just more anxious for wednesday clinical end posting.. Keep telling myself "be strong and keep striving on..."
Dunno what to read for wednesday long case... can't really concentrate but keep trying.. so now just keep reading...nitez....

yenny

life...

At times, I wonder.. What is life... How life should be like... What is relationship... How relationship should be like... What is this .. what is that... why this... why that... I have no answer...
You feel extremely fatigue when you feel sad... but you feel energetic when you are happy...
Looking at Bailey & Love and Davidson now , I feel like wanna just go to bed.. In the afternoon, I am happy reading it... life ... life...

yenny

week-end...

The heart hurts again... it just strikes my soul again and again... I don't know what to do. I just let it be and let time be the healer...it works... I don't wish to be reminded of all the harsh facts.. I wish to be told in an optimistic way.. I have been trying to keep my composure for few days and keep myself happy and calm for few days. It feels good. Today in the morning I cycled to xinho for breakfast with KL, came back do my work with the accompany of Kenny G songs, had lunch tapau by jennie, slept off the whole afternoon, went for shopping + dinner with SC...and now at night in my room.. Reality strikes again.. Is it really gonna be like this for the whole solid two years... how do i cope with it... should i act like nothing happen... or just accept it and flow with it... should I just fill in my yearly calendar with only my own plans and activities.. Should i keep myself fully occupied all the time with studies and studies... I hate these feelings..
Having ortho end posting again on Wednesday. Today supposed to read up a bit for surgery presentation but slept off.. till now no progress at all... Shall do some breathing exercise taught by Dr XP.. calm myself down... learn not to be affected by anything and anyone in this world...
Yenny, just concentrate on your studies... don't think about any other thing... tomorrow is another brand new day...

yenny

inspiring lecturer =)

Just came back from a gathering with a nice, helpful and inspiring lecturer, Dr Aye Aye Mint who is leaving us soon.. It was a great and memorable gathering.. thanks Madam for your precious advice and guidance... We will remember it always and be a good doctor =). I must start studying hard and smart already.. cannot waste time anymore... And I must always remember to stand back up after a fall.. regardless how many falls or how frequent it is...
To my darling, be strong and hang on there..rest.. and keep going.. You WILL do well.. I have faith in you and you have faith in yourself too!
Tonight shall continue writing my last case and do my slide presentation if possible..

yenny

reflection...

A thousand thoughts is racing through my mind... mixed feelings take control over the frontal lobes... haih... feel one kind after talking on the phone every night...though is a super short conversation every time.. No one to blame... flow with it.. flow with the time.. flow with the external elements of the world...face it.. bear with it... deal with it... but if no way out, flow with it... it works most of the time..... Time never stops...that's the good part of it.. Good or bad times will be ticking away whether u like it or not...He is busy, stressed up and fell sick already...but no time to get rest... probably that's the tough life awaiting a HO... I m feeling down and lost sometimes ...everything has gone hay wire.. my life is no longer as predictable and stable as last time.... i dunno when will i see him .. i dunno when will i get to talk as in really talk to each other telling him bout my life.. talking nonsense... what to do... HO life is horrible... many changes occur.. still adapting to it.. although i dun like changes. ... but nothing can be done...probably the worst thing is both of us have to struggle with the tough time separately... But I have faith that we will pull through this together...God bless.. lately every night coming back from library i have to psychotherapy myself..." Yenny, stand back up and continue studying.. be strong! Don't let other things pull you down.. Live tomorrow like a brand new day! Just concentrate on your work!"...
Writing my 3rd case.. struggling.. but i will be able to complete it...tml goin peringgit...
Pray for the good health of my dear and his brother.. Life it short, live it meaningfully--a reminder to all...

another day...

Wednesday came to an end... Wednesday.. the weekday that i like the most.. the day which i get to rest in the afternoon, no need to go hospital.. just sit in the sports complex auditorium and listen to slides presentation... today i slept off few times during the session...
Today we had a morning session with Mr Soh.. I enjoyed the class.. Orthopaedics posting is going to end soon...time flies...i look at it zooming past... time is really an amazing entity at times...
After dinner, i went to library... spend the whole night there... heavy rain tonight.. weather is cool... I feel like wanna just walk or cycle or play under the rain.. but couldn't afford to get sick... i love listening to the rain melody...the rain shuts off all the other noises in the surrounding...leaving me and the rain...serene and tranquil...How much i wish i have a car here.. and how much i wish there is a sea nearby with strong waves...i love listening to the sea...the waves...
Nowadays i do not dare to lie down staring at the ceiling and do nothing... I will just try to keep myself occupied most of the time.. thank god that my college library open until 12 midnight.. and recently received a good news that library will be open on saturday 9-12pm...
Feel really tired but force myself to keep moving on..
Shall continue writing the cases and sleep....

yenny

day by day...

Yesterday (14 Dec 2010) was my dearest' 26th birthday...Happy Birthday to you Darling...
However again this year we do not have the opportunity to celebrate it together... probably next year we will... *fingers crossed*..=) Because of the horrendous housemanship, on this day, I do not get to see him.. not even online... could barely chat for 5 minutes...I know he is really tired after work.. this year I do not get to wish him directly...
It has just been 3 days ... I already feel it... the impact... However I keep telling myself every morning.. be strong.. be independent... live today as it is.. it will be a better day... whenever i m tired, i tell myself the same thing again and again and drag myself up and continue my work regardless how the external environment is.. Tonight am supposed to finish writing my case.. but as I was lying on the bed just now after talking on the phone, again the feeling of exhaustion and numbness overwhelmed me.. I can feel my heart pounding... the heart really aches like a crying heart but it just feels so numb... This feeling is so familiar... I know.. I know it will go away after awhile.. with a little determination... It is just like when u were small, u fell down and hurt yourself.. but with a little coaxing from your dear mummy and daddy, u will stand up again...You might fall down again and again.. but with little support u are back standing up...However when we were small or I would say when we were well protected at home, we actually took all these support for granted... A person would truly understand the significance of "moral support" only when we experienced its loss at the time we need it most... To me, the word "moral support" used to be just a nice term for me to write in essays in school... only in recent years.. slowly i really understand how important it is to a person...
I shall continue my cases and sleep...the caffeine keeps me awake but i still feel tired...
Tomorrow will be another hectic day for me and darling..
Enjoy ur work dear...Take care...

yenny

friday night...

Today morning psychiatry case presentation went well.. thanks to Dr R for his guidance and encouragement... MCQ in the afternoon just hope for the best... that's the end of my psychiatry posting...I enjoyed this posting.. came back room... rested awhile... cycled to xinho for dinner with jennie.. then i went to library...i just do not want to stay in room because it makes me sad...forcing myself to just sit and study.. and keep myself occupied with books and nothing else... friday night=library..it is pathetic i know.. but i hope i will be numbed by this routine very soon..reminds me of my manipal time.. I sat there till 11.15pm then i left... i love cycling at night in campus under the moon and stars..with the cold breeze and quiet surroundings... i came back to the room... online... and there ends my day... i wish i have a peaceful sleep tonight...

yenny

to ventilate...

just came back from library... supposed to continue reading psychiatry for tomorrow end posting... but the heart feels so congested til i could hardly breathe.. couldn't be bothered anymore about tomorrow test.. i need to vent it out.. but no souls around... within the four walls...i could only pen it down in words.. and the mind feels so numb.. have been controlling the emotion the whole night..for the past few days.. for the past one week.. it is tiring.. but i have no choice.. i know it is going to be worst if i let the mood "devil" take a roller coaster ride within me.. everyone expects rational.. understanding.. patience.. independence and rational again.. I would say i have become an emotionless person again at this point of time.. But this tough period of time again have forced me to think deeply about many things in my life... issues like what i really want in life..in relationship...certain important decisions in life.. advantages and disadvantages etc again resurfaced...is it a committed stable relationship till death do us apart.. with a sense of security that i m looking for.. ... or freedom.... or just puppy love with just mere promises... .. Again and again i was reminded tat maintaining a relationship is not easy and life is not always going to be how u want it to be... many at times, it will go against u, u need to abide to family members and culture.. at the end of the day I knew many things are out of my control and I have learnt to just be patient and flow with time... let the time take charge.. and pray to god and let nature take its course.. I have slowly surrendered my life to destiny...
Shall continue to read so that wont fail tomorrow...
thanks Jennie for accompanying me whole night in library...

yenny

A New Phase of Life

Hi everyone! i am officially a houseman at Alor Star General Hospital now,and i expect to live 2 years of tough life here before i rejoin MINDEF as a military medical officer. and yenny is in her final year of medical school . Please pray for us and wish us luck! Thank you!

unhappiness

i have never seen a single soul since last night... never step out from my room since last night.. never talk a single word.. slept from 11pm yesterday till 3 pm today. ate 2 pieces of bread and few sips of water.. the amount of stress and work load and loneliness make me feel like not wanting to do anything, just want to hide myself in room and rot.
Heard a phrase from a fren "hidupku tanpa arah tanpa tujuan"....it best describes me.

Y

saturday..

How i wish my sat night can be more interesting... rather than just sitting in room... however am glad that get to go out eat and chat with frens during lunch and dinner at least.. today basically just spend time sleeping... hope i continue sleeping... boring life

emptiness

Friday again.. weekend starts.. supposed to be happy.. but i m not.. This friday is so much different from last friday.. still remembered last friday , that afternoon .. i was so excited and happy and looking forward for class to end and happily walking back to hostel.. I was anticipating something over the weekend.. But today, I feel so dull, classes just dragged on.. i just sat there passively listening to watever the ppl infront gonna told..then PBL ended early, i roamed around to library, just dunno where to go, dun wish to come back to hostel facing the 4 walls, I have nothing to look forward this weekend..only knew i HAVE to go hos tml morning to clerk case.. coz endposting coming.. and i HAVE to write 2 gynae cases... at the end i went into the library to disturb KL.. then after she went to class, i have no choice but walked back to hostel.. and now me sitting in front of PC staring blankly on it.. expressing myself rather than forcing myself to swallow all in...

A great weekend...

I had spent a great time with sis and bf over the weekend in malacca.. We went to visit pekle and peknin, went to jonker... shopping.. movie.. enjoying food =) Glad to see pekle recovering well.. hope that he will be healthy back again.. and i bought a pair of shoes and hand bag(finally!) soososo happy... beloved sis bought a lot of chopsticks.. and my dear bf got himself a watch ...miss them soo much.. gotta start writing my cases.. gambate yenny!!

future

tonight just so many things cross my mind... Feel a bit moody actually.. THousand and one questions appear in my mind..... What do I want in life... what m i waiting for... should i start planning my life... how i want my life to be like in near future and ten twenty years down the lane.....do i want it to be like now...if i were to plan, wil i get upset if the plan doesnt work out.. should i jsut apply wait&see policy...etc etc etc etc// I have answers to some but not all... having headache now... wanna just dissapear in the sleep detached from reality for awhile ...

yenny

all alone...

Again the feeling of loneliness creeps in insideously... I just hate it, yet couldnt control it... It is a sign of stupid exams approaching... All i do is I try to numb myself with books... But sometimes when I come back to the room at night from library..sitting infront of laptop.. staring into it...and also into the books of course... occasionally wil scroll down my msn contacts just to see who is online...and also turn on skype and leave it there.. as if waiting for anyone maybe my cousins/ siblings wil drop me a msg... It is just so pathetic.. .I try not to stay in the room for too long... alone within the four walls swallowing the books.... I just feel not happy.. I just couldnt help it ... Many times i asked myself.. is this the life i want...the answer is no.. I swear to myself that once i passed out, i wil try my best not to return to such pathetic life again.. unless so called growing up can drill a person to stand loneliness.. I just wanna sleep... but 3 cases need to be done..I m not scared... i know no matter wat i wil have to write it by sunday all by myself alone within the 4 walls.

yenny

All the best sis!!

Wishing sis all the best in exam... wil pray for u always...dun worry and just try ur best! we all wil be here for u.. Be confident that u can do it =)

yenny

=)

He has come back home for good finally.. Has been spending a lot of quality time together for the past 2 weeks...It was great and memorable .. but somehow the happy moments in life tend to pass very fast.. weekend ends, that is when we have to say good bye again.. which i hate most...eventhough tat is only temporary goodbye .. I just miss him more and more nowadays ... Have faith that one day in life we dun have to say good bye anymore... love u darling...

yenny

help...

i could not stand it anymore.. really very stressed.. start thinking nonsense..please god clear my mind of those bad nonsense thing.. calm me down.. please calm my mind.. dunno where to read wat to read wat to cover how to read.. is like waiting for sentencing tml morning.. gotta get up at 5.45, leavinto muar... it is just an endposting, but the stress is overwhelming and affecting me so much in all aspects esp mentally .. more stress gonna come in the next 3 months.. wil i survive through it.. how bout next year.. same stress gonna reappear in final mbbs.. then in future.. more stress gonna come.. working life .. family life.. wil i be fit for it.. wil i be fit to be a good daughter, a good mother.. or should i escape and put a stop to all this.. but i have some commitments in life that force me not to give up ..keep striving til i m really fatigue... rather than making everyone unhappy, should i just remain alone and do no harm... afterall life is temporary, everyone wil return to HIM one day...cool down and dun think of anything anymore.. just let it go.. let it go.. have faith in HIM that He wil protect and assist me in life..

hurdles to clear...

every time every year i must be forced to sit for some exams b4 i m allowed to see him..why so? why must i be tortured this way again and again? i dun understand...and i wil never understand ...i just miss him so much but in order to meet him again, i must go thru the agony of exams..getting stressed ..sad.. fear of failing...and bring sorrow to everyone around esp him.. life is never a bed of roses..
i love him dearly.. though i am always sad and make him sad.. at times i decided to keep to myself at best as i could in order not to make him frustrated...love u dear

misery

haven left the room for the past 7 hours... it is all because of the stupid exams after exams...stress is building up in me tremendously..i could just cry silently... it just reminds me of manipal again... the many consecutive nights.. when uni exams were approaching.. for months...everynight when coming back from library around 11.30.. walking up the stairs alone in indira hostel.. my mind during those moments are just so fatigue ..and blank...a lil more stimulus the tears would just flow...but i dun care coz normally during those hours, only the local indians wil be studying along the corridors... but thinking back, i am glad i survived thru the 2 major uni exams there though with bad results..i dun care anymore... another 2 pending here... now is the 3rd one which is eating me up slowly and silently... sometimes ppl wil jsut tell u try ur best do ur best.. but noone ever wil sit down with u and guide u 24 hrs til the day of exam.. i know this is impossible ..it is all just dreams ..coz everyone expect u to be independent at this age.. blame the age!.. how i wish i m stil back in school having tuition teachers tell u to do this do that..u jsut need to follow..watever doubt they give u answer..they tell u how to study etc etc.. anyway again it is all in dream and fantasy world... i jsut hate being a grown-up! i just hate exams! the hatred is so much so that i dun even care whether i wil be a safe doc anymore.. !!!!!!!!!!!!!! i just want to pass exam and escape from this HELLL. next mon surgery block test, wed endposting exam which i really wish to have the feeling of " i will only do wat i know, u want to shout at me, embarass me.. fail me , jsut do it, i dun care " i dun mind being shouted in wards with millions of eyes looking at me.. etc etc...but i just dun want to fail p2s1..p2s1 has become like the reason why i live at the moment..it is just so pathetic.. but the consequences of dropping batch is full of agony.... after ranting.. routines continue til i m torn apart...tonight have to continue reading again.. thanks SC for bringing me out from my room for dinner later..

Final Semester

After 5.5 years of hardwork(or not, or maybe not so much), my med school life is about to end. I have another 5months to spend here, final government exams to clear,and i shall bid goodbye to my med school and start my new phase life., housemanship . I would like to wish my batchmates from VSMU, good luck and strive hard in your final sem!

wonderful saturday morning...

Had a great night yesterday with frens....just had dinner together...chatting..watching movie on laptop...making fun of each other.. laughing..hanging around at fren's house til midnight...came back..sleep...
This morning, as usual, cycled for breakfast with my loyal breakfast mates...walked around the stalls...then came back..did my laundry....and shall start studying now... Looking at the ENT books, feel like wanna vomit...but no choice..having viva this coming fri..i wont want to fail...so shut my mouth and force myself to study...
May God provide me strength to keep moving on...

yenny

weekends here...

Came back from class... on fri evenings....sometimes i feel really excited but sometimes i feel kinda lost everytime i step into the room after class on fri evening ...I feel excited whenever i have plans waiting for me over the weekend..either taking bus back to hometown.. or just merely taking bus to kl to see my sis..hanging around..watching movies..eating... doin something different.. or just some dinners or meetings with frens... or joining some group activities visiting places/ joining some voluntary activities..any outings...or helping out in any activities etc.... But too bad, many at times , i know i need to study which is my priority at this point of time...i cant socialize too much..i dun have the "capability" to devote too much time in non-academic activities......prob i m a slow learner.. there are just too much work piled up for me which needs to be settled over the weekend ...i would like to just avoid and ignore it and do things that i probably like more.. to relax....but i know that is not the solution...running away is never an option. ..those end of posting exam, P2 S1 exam, final exam....scary professors and lecturers...dun want to be looked down upon..dun want to be humiliated...most importantly i dun want to harm patients in future... all these make me sit back on my desk and open the books...So, i would just accept that..no choice..I have chosen this path..I never regret though...i m still very clear of why i chose med but at times rantings..complains..sighings will be there... i need to study...be independent...be strong...esp mentally... dun ever depend on others.. ..prob if i m staying at home, i wont feel so bored and lost...i miss those times when every night after studying ...parents will bring us out for supper...there is always something for us to look forward to...last time i have taken all these for granted...but now i realise i should appreciate all those moments...but now..staying away from home...after u study days after days..who cares whether u are tired..u r hungry etc..noone will ask u whether u want to eat this or ask u whether u want to drink something.....Many wil think i m a over- pampered kid....I would just say i have great parents.. i know myself that life is no longer a bed of roses.. i have to grow up.. and i m growing up...by knowing the cruelties of life.. But at the same time, I remind myself to appreciate those small little things around me...the ppl esp.. Tend to get upset and feel down and lost when alone... trying hard to overcome that... Now....nothing really interesting in my life... ....exam period..study...when alone and really bored and lost....study.....study , study and study..huh!which i think slowly i have used it to numb myself...Really want to tell my mum and dad that i love u all... shall stop ranting....relax...pull myself back up and keep fighting... just got a msg from a fren inviting for dinner...feel better now =)

yenny

tired...

It has come to the end of first week of ENT posting.... sometimes quite bored coz did not get to go to hospital yet.. Still, i feel so tired... This morning had skills session, practising among ourselves...was fun..get to laugh, tease and joke with each other... Back to the room...alone.. feel sleepy... couldnt wait to leave for KL later in the evening to meet my aunt&uncle, sis, and cousins..hopefully i will be rejuvenated over the weekend.. hopefully i wil get the family-love that i need it most... How I wish i will be pampered, protected, be given all the attention, care, concern etc etc like a baby and will never be hurt... But, that will never come true again.. you will only be a baby once in ur life...supposed to pack..but feel tired...probably i shall just lie and sleep, leaving this worrisome reality world for a moment ..back to my own comfort zone... where noone wil judge you...

yenny

...

time for bed...
tml saturday...most prob will spend my day in the state library...
CNY hope it comes fast... hope my aunty uncle faster come KL..so i can go to kl...

yenny

Start anew...

Happy New year to all....
Today is the first day in a brand new year...a public holiday..a day to have fun and enjoy..
yet, for me, it is just like any other day...no difference..routine life...how much I wish another cousin of mine would get married this weekend, so i can go home and have a great time like last weekend...anyway..is all wishes, wishes and wishes...
Anyway I m grateful that god has been nice to me though today... A good fren of mine agreed to play squash with me early this morning... happy that my invitation did not get rejected...the whole sports complex was empty..only 2 of us and the guard.. we had a good game then we went to have breakfast together using my bicycle, chitchatting along the way.. A nice cool quiet morning with a fren...Then came back.. cleaning up the room... fell asleep..then another fren asked to go out to study...spend few hours at that place studying n talking when bored ...then went for dinner and finally came back... Will be sleeping in few more hours time...the end of the day, period.
In this new year, I would like to understand myself better, be stronger..be independent... and seek for the meaning of life..

yenny